COPING AFTER A MISCARRIAGE

A recent press release by researchers at the University of Michigan Health System confirmed an interesting fact: online forums can help women cope with pregnancy loss.

They surveyed over 1000 women on 18 different message boards and came to the conclusion that an important tool in dealing effectively with the loss is talking to someone who knows what you’re going through. A lot of family and friends are unwilling to talk about such matters: miscarriage, stillbirth and so on. It is an uncomfortable subject and many times, they do not understand the need to talk about it.

I personally know that the online forum specifically for women who had experienced a miscarriage on www.babycentre.co.uk was a lifeline for me. These women knew exactly how I felt and there was an abundance of cyber hugs and positive thoughts given and received freely between complete strangers united by loss.

In one of my posts, I shared Sarah’s story and she remembered that the first time she really felt like everything was going to be okay was when she was able to talk to a complete stranger that had also suffered a loss.

An interesting finding in this study was that the African-American population was significantly under-represented on these message boards even though they were statistically more likely to experience miscarriages and stillbirths than their Caucasian counterparts. I cannot assume to know why this is so but I am under the impression that in Africa, an online message board may also not work, even though there is internet access.

The key take home message for me is this: after a pregnancy loss, a woman will cope much better if she is able to talk to someone that understands what she is going through and is willing to talk about it with empathy and sensitivity.

SOURCE

Mary Elizabeth Dallas, “Online forums can help women cope with pregnancy loss”, November 4, 2011. Accessed from http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/news/fullstory_118355.html  on November 22^nd 2011

SARAH’S STORY

Sarah* was basking in post-wedding euphoria. The excitement of finally marrying the man she loved had been heightened by her discovery that she was already pregnant with their first child. They were off to their honeymoon and life seemed perfect.

One morning, three days into the honeymoon, she woke up with a strange feeling. “I just felt kind of empty”, she later shared, “I wasn’t feeling pain, I wasn’t having any pain, I just felt alone”.

This feeling was really strange to her. It was as if the baby inside of her had left her. She was terrified and asked her husband to book an ultrasound scan appointment as soon as possible.

She was booked in for a 3-D ultrasound scan. She could see all the features of the baby on the scan but the doctor performing the scan simply informed her that no foetal heart rate could be detected. She was looking closely at the face on the screen as she tried to digest the news; the baby looked just like her husband. How could there be no heart beat? How could this pregnancy be over?

“I just started screaming when I found out”, said Sarah. “I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Two nurses had to come in to the room to talk to me; but I couldn’t comprehend anything they said because I was just too hurt”.

“It was horrible! I was utterly devastated”, Sarah shared, and “it was just awful. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I told them to just put me to sleep and do the procedure; I didn’t want to know what was happening. So I just woke up and it was done”.

This was the beginning of a very difficult time for Sarah. She had expected a period of bliss as she adapted to married life and prepared for motherhood. Instead, she was struggling with devastating feelings of grief. Feelings that she wasn’t prepared for; feelings she could not handle.

“My family helped me to pull through because I was just shattered. It was really, really hard; really trying times”.

Sarah remembers the day that a tiny spark of hope was rekindled in her heart. Her husband had suggested that she indulge in some retail therapy and while they were out she met a lady in the changing room. This lady was heavily pregnant and she struck up a conversation with her.

It turns out that this lady had experienced a late miscarriage at twenty weeks. Talking to someone who had been through this experience did something to Sarah.

“I finally saw someone who had been through what I went through. Here she was, with child and positive about the future, telling me how things would be okay.”

For Sarah, it was like group therapy in the changing rooms. All the soothing, placatory words the nurses had said to her that fateful day, the words that did not make any sense to her at the time, finally made sense. Sarah finally realised that there was hope. By hearing the story of another woman, she no longer felt so alone in her experience. And that gave her the strength to carry on.

As of the time I spoke to Sarah, she has gone on to have two healthy children. However, “there is no day that goes by that I don’t pray for him or her and hope that one day we will meet again someday”.

*not her real name.